It all started when I took an Aspirin to soothe my head;
since Aspirin gives me ulcers, I took Belsomra before bed.
That meant I woke up groggy, Caffeine pills got me going –
but backed me up – a Diuretic got the urine flowing.
The pee-pills made me swell, I got an Ephedrine at the drugstore,
which gave me diarrhea so I popped a Florastor.
The clerk said that would make me queasy, Gravol did the trick;
Hydrocortisone helped the rash (the Gravol made me itch),
and Ibuprofen took the edge off the Hydrocortisone,
Which kept the Ibuprofen down until I reached my home.
My heart was racing with all the pills, I took a Juxtapid;
Ketoprofen to ease that off, Laudanum to kick it in
Meprobamate killed the fog, Naproxen and Orlistat
(the former makes me eat a lot, the latter burns the fat)
Paracetomol for fever, Quinidine to relax –
Ritalin, Sotradecol, Testosterone, Uristas!
Viagra kicked me into gear, Wellbutrin makes me chill,
Xanax helps to calm me from my phobia of pills.
Yocon cures the Xanax crash but makes me want to smoke,
so Zyban helped me quit again, or at least I hope.
So doc, I think its all these meds; my liver’s in conniptions!
I’ve got something for that – he said – and wrote me a prescription.
Day 10: An Abecedarian is a poem with a structure derived from the alphabet. There are so many pharmaceutical brand names out there, and I wanted to use the progression of the alphabet to describe the way medications are often chained together to offset each other’s adverse effects.
Warning: this poem is not a substitute for professional medical advice, is not responsible for adverse reactions; side effects may include sarcasm, exaggeration, lazy research methods, partial googling, anti-vaxxing and/or anti-anti-vaxxing, erroneous, surrepticious, misleading information and/or outright lies; 100% of participants (me and my girlfriend) exposed in clinical or at least comical tests could not differentiate from placebo; May cause minor embarrassment, boredom, loss of interest and/or death.